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10/29/13
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Surfers love Halloween. Always have. Dating back to the 1700s, those Peruvian reed-boat guys would spend weeks prepping for their Dia De Los Muertos beach blowouts (“Slutty Inca” was the ladies’ go-to), while The Duke himself claimed first prize in Honolulu’s inaugural “So Kine Kostume Kontest” (1926) as a dead ringer for recluse siren Greta Garbo. And of course Tom Curren, who in 1986 was rumored to have spent upwards of $4,500 for his head-to-toe transformation into pastel soft-rock kingpin Peter Cetera.

2013 will be no exception, and with the big day fast approaching I hereby lay forth my Halloween outfit predictions for a handful of professional surfers.

MATT WILKINSON. The ASP’s beloved clown prince. A man whose parade of customized LOL wetsuits single-handedly keeps both Surfline and Surfermag’s week-in-review thingys afloat.  Fittingly, Wilko will dress as a (more) public figure with the jokey-joke disposition and comedic chops to match his own. HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: Syndicated political analyst John McLaughlin

JEREMY FLORES.The French! Like their cherished Bordeauxs—refined yet complex, firmly structured for the educated palette. The French! Whose unflappable spirit and “joy of life” echo clarion through the annals of history. The French! Who so bravely temper defeat with resilience, never sinking to blame or pity. HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: Baby with poo-poo diapers.

MICK FANNING. The day is upon you Mick! It’s your annual chance to unleash the inner outlaw, lurking somewhere beneath that three-to-the-beach exoskeleton of yours.  Now, close your eyes and picture the embodiment of all that daring and danger you quietly lust for.  Who do you see?  Heath Ledger’s Joker? Che Guevara? Oh-oh-oh wait! The AD/DC guy, the one who drank himself to death just when they were blowing up! Bon Scott! What’s that, Mick? Ray Romano?  Really?  You see Ray Romano? Is he even famous in Australia? HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: Ray Romano.

KELLY SLATER. Slates, as you and I (and a certain Kenyan-born government official) well know, the NSA’s covert policy of irradiating the Pacific with GMOs will be fully actualized on October 30th, assuring that Halloween will in fact take place one day after the certain end of humanity. So no need to waste your money on an outfit. HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: The world will end on October 30th because of bad government and really mean business guys. (If not, Phil Mickelson.)

KAI OTTON. Google inquiries for “luckiest man in history” all point towards one Frano Selak, a portly Croat who, having cheated death seven times (including multiple bus and plane crashes), won 1.2 million dollars in the regional lottery. HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: Croatian lottery winner Frano Selak.

ANASTASIA ASHLEY. Surely this is a day Ms. Ashley fears above all others, a day when her near-Amish modesty and Victorian manners are tempted by the easy avail of cheap, midriff-baring, come-hither garb. Left to her instinctive devices, I’ve no doubt that Double-A would opt for a costume of purpose and meaning—Indira Gandhi, Jane Goodall, Billie Jean King—but I fear public pressure might sway her to the dark side, a place where chest-flaunting felines and nurses-of-ill-repute stalk the seedy sidestreets of Twitter, vying for the crown of least-dressed. HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: I’ll abstain from a concrete guess but instead offer Ms. Ashley one small nugget of advice: Girl, stay true to who you are. Millions of middle-age masturbators are counting on you.

JAMIE O’BRIEN. No mere Zapata, Strummer or Brando shall do for the soft-top insurgent!  Our undisputed paragon of rebellion, whose infamous burning of the ASP rulebook touched off the San Clemente riots of ’09, must pick something suitably anti-establishment, radical, unchained and serving no master but his own free will. HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: Does Red Bull have a mascot?

DAMIEN FAHARENFORT – Despite his recent ousting from the commentary booth, South Africa’s velvet fog has cause to celebrate—it’s Halloween!  His fave day!  In fact, the lone challenge facing “Dooma” on this whimsical Fall night is how on Earth will he ever outdo last year’s triumph, in which he went as a sombrero- and pancho-wearing mustachioed drug-dealing Mexican migrant worker stereotype:

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HALLOWEEN OUTFIT PREDICTION: A Chinese dry-cleaning math wizard with buckteeth? Or how about a complaining big-nosed greedy Jewish guy? Oh wait, I got it! P.W. Botha!